Heartbreak Thoughts

Heartbreak Thoughts

I got my heart broke kind of. We were never technically in a relationship so many would argue this probably doesn’t even count, but I still consider this to be my first heartbreak because of how it hurt. I can’t say I was in love, but I know I was falling.

He was an amazing guy and I ended it. Secretly I had been waiting on it to fall apart from day one. I’m kind of cynical when it comes to these things, you know, relationships. I will always hope for the best but deep down I try not to get my hopes too high, but sometimes I can’t help it.

We saw each other consistently for 4 months but never got to a place in time where we put a label on it. In my mind, we were essentially treating it as a relationship but he kept holding back from calling it that. I think I always knew that translated to him having doubts about me, but in the moment I really wanted to hope for the best and told myself he just wanted to take it slow.

The more I thought about it, the more I psyched myself out about it. People in my life, people I love, people I trust told me it looked like I was going to get hurt and I knew they were right. I had already been hurt. I wanted so badly to know what it was like to be in love I didn’t notice how hesitant he was to make the jump.

I’m a talker. I want to talk things out with you, and when you want to talk, I’m a drop everything kind of person. I’ll be there in an instant. If you need me, if you want to try to make this work, I am so there. I forget so easily that not everyone is a drop everything person like me and I set myself up to get hurt a lot by hoping everyone is the same way. I prioritize people I care about more than most people probably do, but I really can’t help it. I want to be there for you no matter what and in my heart I’m hoping you want to be there for me just as much. That’s an excellent way to get your heart broken without ever being in love.

The trouble with leading someone on is that the longer you wait to tell them you know you’ll never love them, the more time they have for their feelings for you to grow. They haven’t walked away because they could see themselves loving you and they already know they’re starting to fall for you, and they assume you haven’t walked away because you’re feeling the same. Sometimes falling in love takes time and this is normal.

But if you don’t feel the same, you have to stop holding onto something you know isn’t right. Yes, you may care about them, but if you’re only interested in the idea of being with them, you’re going to hurt them even more because they’re interested in actually being with you. It doesn’t matter if you think you could love them, they know they could love you.

Don’t get their hopes up if you’re just going to let them down. Rip the bandaid off and allow them to heal before the wound gets any deeper. They trusted you with their heart don’t make them regret it.

If I give you a little piece of my heart you can’t underestimate its value. While I know he didn’t mean to lead me on, it still hurt like hell. I know he cared about me and he’d never want to hurt me, but he wasn’t sure he could see himself loving me and he didn’t want to admit it. So he didn’t admit it. I figured it out and I decided to walk away.

Relationships require work from both people involved. I wasn’t seeing the same effort I was putting in and he wasn’t able to prove to me he could give me that at the time. He’ll never know how much I wanted him to prove me wrong.

It’s funny how all the stereotypical things about heartbreak are true. That’s how I know I can consider this some variation of a heartbreak. Sometimes it still keeps me up at night. When I drive past his job I have to remind myself not to look for his car. I have to remind myself not to check his Instagram. I don’t want to know if he’s met someone else. I still want to know what songs he’s listening to, if he’s taking care of himself, and even how his mom is doing, but I’ll never know because I know I can’t ask.

I gave up when he didn’t want to because I was hurt. I felt used even though that was never his intention. I ended it before he wanted to and while I know it was the right thing to do in the moment, I’ll have to live with knowing someone didn’t want to give up on me and I walked away. I never even gave him the chance to chase me.

I’ve seen him once since it ended and when I tell you it ripped my heart out, I mean it. It’s crazy how much you can miss someone you were so used to having around. Just one look and all those feelings rush right back. I didn’t even expect him to talk to me because I thought he would hate me. I think it was easier to tell myself he would hate me. He told me he’s been doing good and I’m really happy for him, more than I was able to say so to his face. He said that he missed talking to me and I didn’t think he would. He told me he’s been working on himself. I think that’s a very heartbreak thing to say.

He really is a good guy, but we both messed up in more ways than one. It would be so much easier to hate him but I can’t because he doesn’t deserve it. That’s something I don’t think I’ll stop thinking about for a while. I just can’t help but wonder “what if.” I think that’s just another heartbreak thing.

He needed some time to grow on his own and so did I. So while I do miss him, I can’t say I regret it. I know who I am and how I deserve to be treated and I’m happy I didn’t stray from that. I don’t think I appreciated the way I stood up for myself in the moment as much as I should have. I regret how it happened, not that it happened. I honestly never thought it would’ve ended so soon. We both deserve to be happy and I really wanted him to be a part of that for me, but I guess good things really do fall apart.

That’s how I know it was a heartbreak.

Dear 2019

Dear 2019

Dear 2019,

You were simultaneously the worst and best year of my life. I don’t know how you did it.

The highs were high, but the lows were real low.

I started off my year feeling hopeless and alone after my harasser at work crossed a line leaving me violated, scared, and wanting to quit my job that I loved so much.

Most of all I was angry at the realization that this something a lot of men just do and get away with. I somehow found the strength to not let my harasser get away with it for the safety of my younger coworkers, but the experience has haunted me ever since.

Most days the memories just sit there in my brain like background noise, other days it’s like the volume has been cranked up to 10 and I can’t turn it down.

I know I did the right thing, but I think that’s one of the scariest things about being a woman, this can always happen again and more than likely it will. It opened my eyes to all the sexism in our world that needs to be addressed. So thanks for this both enlightening and horrifying experience, 2019. It sucked.

Things started looking up though. Around this time I learned about the opportunity to travel abroad with my school, and much to my surprise, my dad said yes.

And so, I was going on an adventure of a lifetime. My trip to Spain this summer will forever be one of my favorite memories and I am beyond excited to go back, hopefully in the near future.

However, right before this trip during the end of my senior year, 2019, you challenged me more so than anything else ever has in my life. You broke me completely and I really do mean that. The two people I trusted more than anyone else in the world at the time walked out of my life and left me completely alone when I needed them most. Worse yet, they hated me and I will never in my lifetime know why. I try really hard to tell myself that’s okay.

My closest friend at the time walked out of my life when my mental state was falling apart, and I was left to fend for myself in a sea of emotions I didn’t understand. That is something, 2019, I can never forgive you for. I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemies, which believe it or not, I don’t consider these girls to be.

Quite frankly I can’t help but wish them the best. I hope in this next decade they find themselves and that they finally grow up. Tearing others down is a trend that needs to die this decade and I’m serious. Talking shit breaks lives, don’t ever forget it.

My trip to Spain was something that helped me in more ways than I think anyone will ever understand. It allowed me to escape from it all for a little while and it pushed me out of my comfort zone. Exploring the country with my favorite Spanish teachers and new friends was an experience I wouldn’t ever trade for the world.

Even better yet, when I came home, I found the people in my life who actually give a damn about me and have never given up on me. To my amazing parents, my beautiful sister, my incredible best friend, my friends who never left my side, and my fantastic new friends I met at college, thank you all for saving my life.

You reminded me that I am loved when I had never felt more unloved in my entire life. You reminded me that it’s okay to not be okay, but when you’re not okay, you have to lean on the people who care about you most, and you have to do it knowing that you’re not a burden to them because they know you would do the same for them in an instant.

I’m the kind of person who has it in her head that the universe is out to get her, and so she doesn’t deserve any good things that cross her path. That’s a mindset I’m going to try my hardest to leave behind in 2019.

If I’m completely honest, the only things I have left to say to 2019 is: Fuck you and thank you, next.

I’m a stronger person because of all the things you put me through, 2019, but I hope I never have to endure anything like it ever again. There are so many things I want to forget from 2019, but there are also memories I hope to never forget. You were the perfect combination of horrible and amazing, and I just hope I never have another year like, no offense, but seriously. 2019, you were kinda the worst.

So 2019, you broke me then put me all back together again and I truly don’t know how you did it, but thank you for making it happen. You introduced me to some of the most amazing people this year and I can’t wait to see how these relationships grow in the future. These relationships got me through this year, and I will forever be grateful for that, even though you really did screw me over most of the rest of the year, but I promise I’ll try not to hold too much of a grudge.

See ya never, 2019. Let’s get this thing started already, 2020.

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One year later.

One year later.

It’s almost been a year now since my coworker was fired after I reported his harassment and I’m still dealing with the fear and trauma surrounding what happened to me. I didn’t expect it to be in the back of mind still after all this time, but I guess one year really isn’t that much time. If I’m honest, I haven’t thought about this at all until recently. Since my birthday was last week, I feel that is partially contributing to the anxiety I’m feeling about this and why it’s all resurfacing now. This time last year is when everything began to unfold. Everything became so much worse when I turned 18, when I became a legal target.

If you want to know the full story of what happened to me, I shared it on the blog a few months ago and you can find it here, but the things I’m dealing with now are predominantly the emotional aftermath of moving past it.

When I wrote about what happened to me, there were headlines everywhere regarding harassment and assault and there still are. The points I made are still as relevant now as they were when I first wrote about it. Harassment still isn’t being taken seriously and I know that because there are people in my life who blame me for what happened to me and I know I can’t be the only victim being given the blame.

One of my coworkers was good friends with the man who harassed me and believes that I “got him fired.” Even a year later he still resents me for it. We can be civil and professional when we work together, but I know he tries very hard to get under my skin with biting comments to make me feel inferior. It angers me to admit that his tactics work. I’m the kind of person that wants everyone to like me, and even though I knew he felt this way, I never treated him any differently or respected him any less. I knew deep down there was some resentment he had towards me about the whole situation, but we were still pleasant so I didn’t focus on it. It wasn’t until about a month ago one of my coworkers told me he has been talking shit about me to other coworkers for a while now and has made it abundantly clear to them that he does not like me.

This has bothered me more than I thought it would. I knew why he resented me and I tried to be understanding, but it just occurred to me how horribly wrong he is and how messed up his way of thinking about this really is. He doesn’t respect me because he has it in his mind that I was “asking for it” and believes that his friend did nothing wrong, but neither of those statements are even slightly true. I told him “no” several times actually, but history goes to show that when a woman says “no” men still have the tendency to do whatever the fuck they want and that’s a history I’m sick of repeating itself.

I told him “no” several times actually, but history goes to show that when a woman says “no” men still have the tendency to do whatever the fuck they want and that’s a history I’m sick of repeating itself.

If you have a friend, or even know someone that has sexually harassed someone, you can’t stand by them and say nothing of what they’ve done. There is no such thing as “choosing sides” when it comes to sexual harassment. There is only right and wrong.

No means NO. There is no bro code for supporting a friend who harassed someone who did not want it, and I can guarantee you no one wants that. If anything, it’s your responsibility as their bro to let them know what they did was not okay. And under absolutely no circumstances should you EVER blame the victim if your friend ever faces the consequences of their actions. Help them understand what they did wrong, help them learn why it’s an issue, and help them do better. Otherwise you’re only contributing to the problem and are adding just a few more repetitive pages to this never ending history of harassment. Only you can change the narrative.

Let me reiterate: NO ONE wants to be harassed. I feel the need to make that abundantly clear since still many people seem to not understand. Flirting and harassing are two very different things. There is a fine line between these two things, but allow me to enlighten you on the main differences. When someone is flirting, it’s supposed to be a mutual feeling. If you continue to hit on someone and they’re not into it, walk away because you can easily cross the line into harassment. You have to go into flirting with someone by showing them respect. Respect their space, their time, and their right to say “no,” otherwise you’re coming from a place where harassment can be the only result.

Also, I would have thought this would be crystal clear by now, but CONSENT!! You have to have consent. It’s not optional, ever. It’s another seemingly simple concept like respect but yet there are still people out there who don’t seem to get it. Ask them to dance, ask them if you can buy their drink, ask them what they’re comfortable with because you never know. I was violated with a non-consensual hug and kiss, so those are very simple things that make me a bit nervous now, but you wouldn’t know that about me though unless you asked me what I’m comfortable with. If you ask, I know you respect me and then there’s no reason for me to feel the fear I associate with those things anymore when it comes to you. I do realize that it’s also my job to let you know how I’m feeling, I promise that I know girls are complicated enough as is, but it’s a small thing that goes an incredibly long way to make a relationship a million times better.

I know that I still live with the fear of what happened to me. Affection isn’t as easy for me to show, I’m a lot more cynical, I keep all my thoughts bottled up inside, and I am definitely a lot more apprehensive of men in general. I find myself struggling to tell people who are closest to me how much they mean to me, and most days I can’t even show it.

I used to be a touchy-feely person but this has made me more reserved which probably comes off as standoffish, but that’s not how I feel inside. I’m just now starting to work myself out of that. I still blame myself for not seeing how he would manipulate me and coax affection out of me. Its so obvious to me now and I know it wasn’t easy to see then, but I have a hard time reminding myself that. I think that is why it’s so hard for me to be affectionate with people. It may not make perfect sense but I feel like he stole the goodness, that feeling you’re supposed to feel when you’re touched by someone you love, from me when he crossed the line and I’m just now trying to take that feeling back.

At this exact moment I feel a kind of numbness I haven’t felt since the summer. I don’t want to feel numb anymore I want to feel again. I’m sick of being annoyed with the world, feeling uninspired, and blaming myself for things out of my control, so it’s time to get it all off my chest. This whole thing has been haunting me recently more now than ever for at least a hundred different reasons, but the one that really got the ball rolling was when I saw him for the first time in almost a year, and it was as I was leaving a date.

I felt the date went extremely well, and I was really happy afterward. We were sitting outside at a coffee shop and during the date one of my friends went through the drive thru and saw me sitting there and rolled down her window and said hi. This of course was no big deal and actually kind of funny, but when I was pulling out of the shop I saw the man who harassed me pulling into the drive thru and my heart just stopped.

First just due to the immediate reaction of seeing him for the first time in almost a year, but then my mind jumped to what could have happened if I’d still been sitting there on my date when he’d gone through the drive thru. Just thinking about how possessive he had been over me and the million things he could have said or done if he’d seen me there filled me with so much dread and anxiety. It’s definitely shifted more into anger now, only because this fear of him and what he did is still there and controls me more than I thought it did.

It’s something I’m still working through and growing through. Trust has never come easy for me just because it can be so easily broken. I’ve never had the best experiences when I open up to people, but I’ve never lost hope that I will meet people who won’t abuse my trust. I’ve definitely just made it a lot harder on myself to let them in. I’m not good at vocalizing these fears and being vulnerable because that implies trust.

I have a hard time getting out of my own head sometimes, so trusting people is more difficult than it needs to be. My brain has a tendency to overthink, even more so now than it did a year ago. I think that’s partially why I blame myself, for not realizing what was happening to me sooner. Trusting someone is an uphill battle, but one I don’t plan on giving up on any time soon. I believe there are good people out there, but it may take a while for them to find their way to you and into your heart. We live in a world where we can’t afford to give up on finding real, meaningful connections with people. I’ve built up a ginormous wall, but I think I’m finally ready for it to start coming down.

I believe there are good people out there, but it may take a while for them to find their way to you and into your heart.

Step one of this process has been the hardest for me and that is forgiving yourself. What happened to me was not my fault and I know that, but it takes a lot to convince myself of that sometimes. Everything I’ve felt is valid and I know that too, but most days I don’t believe it. But that’s why healing is a process, not something that happens overnight. For me, writing about it, putting my feelings into words, is how I’m able to get myself to a place where I can be vulnerable and grow. By putting my story out there I can only hope someone else benefits from my experience. Whether it maybe helps someone come to terms with their own struggles or allows someone else to create a better understanding of why these issues matter makes it worth it to publish. Everything is about perspective.

You know what harassment looks like and feels like, so what can you do? How can you advocate or be an ally to someone who has been harassed? Talk about it. Saying nothing helps no one. Letting it happen just makes things worse. Speak up and stand by the victims because they are not alone but I promise you it sure does feel like it sometimes.

If you or someone you know is being harassed, please speak up or encourage the person you know to say something. If you have witnessed harassment, report it. You have the power to stop it. If you have been harassed, you are worthy of respect and love. No one deserves the emotional turmoil of harassment. 2019 is almost over and people still don’t know that this isn’t okay. It’s affected my relationships, it’s affected my life, and it’s affected how I see myself. I wouldn’t wish the way this has made me feel on even my worst enemies. No one deserves to feel like this.

Speak up, share your story, advocate for yourself (Even though I know that’s not always easy, believe me), and don’t ever forget your own personal worth. You matter so freaking much. I know from experience for a fact you probably don’t believe that right now, but I promise you it’s true.

You matter so freaking much. I know from experience for a fact that you probably don’t believe that right now, but I promise you it’s true.

I honestly can’t say it any better than I did in my first post on this: It doesn’t matter if you think you’re overreacting, or that maybe you’re just reading too far into it. That’s how I felt, and once I put all the pieces together, I realized what was happening to me. It’s hard to admit, and it’s scary, but if you feel violated or uncomfortable, speak up. Your feelings are valid and you can’t ignore them. You deserve better. Please don’t be afraid to be heard.

Stay safe out there and don’t be afraid to get angry. Turn that spark into a light and use that fire to share your story. You deserve to be heard.

19 Things from 19 Trips Around the Sun

19 Things from 19 Trips Around the Sun

I’d like to start by saying I feel old. Like really old.

I can’t even imagine what my grandparents must feel like. I kinda feel like I’ve already done this whole life thing for a bit too long already and I haven’t even been on this earth for two decades let alone SEVEN. It’s been a wild ride.

Honestly, I really do feel like a grandma. I’m always cold and somedays I think I might be dying. Continuing on with this grandmother energy, I want to share a few things I’ve learned from circling the sun the last few years, since with age comes wisdom, or at least that’s how it’s supposed to go. I’m not saying I know everything because that’s just not possible at this stage in the game, but man oh man I’ve learned a lot . . .

ONE – People can be the absolute worst, but I’m a firm believer that for every horrible person out there, there’s at last five more beautiful and amazing people out there to help add more light and love to the world. Be one of those people.

TWO – You’re not being dramatic if you feel trapped by your past. You’re just being human. It takes time to learn how to live with pain, don’t lose faith you’ll get there.

THREE – Some of the greatest things are waiting for you right outside your comfort zone, but you’ll never know unless you take the chances. Take the chances. Sometimes high risk means high reward, but you’ll never know unless you make the jump 😉

FOUR – Make time to read good books. It’s a constant regret that I don’t make more time to read. I’m really busy, but when I’m not I spend all my time on my phone and I wish I read more, so it’s about time to do something about it.

FIVE – Read the news. It can be scary, it can be depressing, some days it can really make you fear going outside, but it’s important to not ignore the realities of the world we live in. Ignorance is bliss, but not to those who don’t have the privilege to ignore the truth. Educate yourself and quit saying things aren’t issues simply because they don’t affect you.

SIX – To my writers, never stop writing. Especially to my female writers, don’t stop sharing your stories and speaking your truth. There’s unfortunately not enough of us getting published and there’s definitely not enough people paying attention, but we can’t be ignored if we take on the world by storm. Please empower one another and write, write, write.

SEVEN – Pursue your passions and don’t ever give up, no matter how hard it gets. If you truly love it, it really will all work out somehow. It’s like, a rule of the universe or something.

EIGHT – You don’t always have to agree with others, but you do always have to show them respect. Everyone has a right to their own opinion including yourself so please just treat everyone with respect otherwise there is no way for us to coexist.

NINE – Be a good person. It may not seem that simple, but if you’re kind (EVEN WHEN people don’t technically deserve it), you show people respect regardless of the situation, and spread love any way you can, you’re doing it right. So in reality, it really is that simple.

Live in such a way that if someone were to speak poorly of you, no one would believe it.

TEN – It’s okay to ask for help. You can be vulnerable and tell someone you’re struggling , ask for a hug, emotional support, or even just to help you work on something you’re passionate about. There are people out there who care about you and will always have your back. You’re not a burden to people who willingly make time for you. Reach out.

ELEVEN – Not sure if you want to use your voice to make a change? It can be scary, but I try to remember this:

“May today be the day you courageously pursue every opportunity to make a difference for something so much greater than you” – MHN

TWELVE – “Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see greatness within you, even if you do not see it yourself.” Quote Credit.

THIRTEEN – People really can change, however, it is completely up to them, and them alone, if it is for better or worse.

FOURTEEN – People may walk right out of your life and sometimes you have to just let it happen. You can always leave the door unlocked, but it needs to be up to them if they want to open it.

FIFTEEN – Don’t ever lose faith that you are worthy of love. It’s human to feel worthless sometimes, but please don’t ever believe you deserve to feel that way because no one does.

SIXTEEN – The things you say can come back to haunt you, so be the bigger person and don’t spread the negative energy. You never know what a person is going through, so spread more love and light. Quit investing energy into killing other people’s vibes. Life is too damn short.

SEVENTEEN – Positivity is so valuable. Make people laugh and smile, don’t take yourself too seriously. Make people happy and I promise you will be happy too.

EIGHTEEN – Having a nonverbal sister has taught me to advocate for others, but one thing I’m still working on is advocating for myself. Stand up for people you love, but don’t forget to include yourself.

NINETEEN – My best tip for living a good life? Learn to let that shit go. You don’t need to carry the weight of any past trauma with you everywhere you go. Better yet, you don’t deserve to carry that weight. Only you can choose to free yourself from it. Believe me it’s not any easy task, but you deserve to be the happiest version of yourself. Treat yo self and free yo self. That’s the best kind of self care out there ❤️

18 was unbelievably tough and quite possibly one of the worst years I’ve ever lived through. I stopped reaching out to people I care about (I still struggle with that but please know you mean the world to me), I made it impossible on myself to open up to people, and I spent most of it stuck in my own head. If I’m honest I deserve a second to let that sink in and to appreciate the fact that I survived it all. 18 was awful but I MADE IT! Hell yeah, once again she persisted and she doesn’t plan on stopping. I’m ready for a year of new adventures, new relationships, and new inspiration. I have faith that 19 is the new beginning I’ve been needing. Let’s get started.

So About My Senior Year . . .

So About My Senior Year . . .

Hi. I’ve been gone for a few months and I feel like I owe you all an explanation before I get back to business as usual.

My senior year was great until it wasn’t. I had fun, a made a lot of memories, and then I hit rock bottom.

It all began when one of my two best friends, the girls I’d spent almost every moment with the last two years, seemingly decided she didn’t like me anymore. Even now I really don’t understand why she suddenly had a problem with me, and why she felt the need to take it to such extremes. I found myself in the middle of a battle I was never really fighting. I only wanted things to be like they were before, the three of us together and happy. But I soon realized that wouldn’t be possible because my presence was no longer wanted. By the beginning of summer they still had each other, but I was left completely alone to fight a new kind of battle.

My mental health declined as my social life seemingly fell to pieces. I’d never felt more lost and alone. Part of me wished I wasn’t here anymore. I had no strength left, and no positive way to spin this situation. I had been completely blindsided by my closest friends and I had no idea what to do with myself. All I wanted to do was sleep, and for everything to stop hurting.

My mother raised me to believe that all things happen for a reason, so I knew I was meant to get through this. The things that saved me were my family, my childhood bestie, and a newfound spontaneity to say yes to new adventures because I was determined to overcome this and come out a better person on the other side.

I went to Spain with my school and made some new friends and lots of memories. I also went to my college orientation anxious, a little depressed, but determined to make new friends, which thankfully I did and for the first time in months I can say with confidence I’m excited for college. I’m not scared about seeing the girls who hurt me on campus anymore now that I have found people who care about me and support me. I know that  even when my bestie goes away for college, that if that sadness I felt before ever resurfaces, my new friends will have my back and I’m so immensely greatly for that.

Honestly, I’m not sure what was said about me, but all I know is that it turned the girl who I thought was my best friend away from me. Even after it was all over, when I showed up at grad parties alone and was asked why they weren’t with me, I never once had a bad thing to say about them. I just said we are no longer close but they are still good people. I knew deep in my heart at that moment I didn’t believe the words that were rolling off my tongue, but talking shit would have made me no better than them. I really do wish them the best and I hope they get everything they want out of life.

It is so incredibly hard to be the bigger person, but I promise you will never regret it.

The only person I blamed for all this was myself and it wasn’t even my fault. I knew it only would have made me feel worse to tell people about the emotional minefield they dragged me through. There is still a part of me that so badly wants to hate them for everything they put me through, but it’s against my nature. I know someday I will find it in my heart to forgive them for making me feel as terrible as I did leaving high school as I did entering it.

I know they may think they have done right by me, and I guess more power to them, but I don’t think there was anything right they could have done other than leave me alone and let me move on, but instead they decided to drop off grad cards in my mailbox while I was in Spain. My mother told me when I returned from my trip. She waited a few days because she was nervous about how I’d react since I was so elated and excited about my newfound friendships and all the memories from the trip. Once she told me, a huge knot formed in my stomach and all those horrible feelings I felt when school ended rushed right back.

If I’m honest, I’d hardly thought about them while I was gone, so those cards sent me over the edge. My first reaction was anger. I just wanted them to leave me alone. I wanted to move on. I even took it out on my mom, the one person who has been my rock and here for me through absolutely everything. She sat with me in my car while I cried before my senior prom, she wiped away my tears when I told her how everything they’d done had made me feel, and was there to remind me I was loved when I felt completely alone. I was angry because I wished she had just thrown them away, but I know now if she had, I never would’ve gotten to write back and say what I needed to say in order to actually move on. 

One of the cards was extremely specific, and told me that my best friend still didn’t understand the complexity of the situation and the other was nothing more than a grad card, which honestly upset me more than if I would’ve never heard from her again. 

After reading them I decided I needed to end this once and for all. They were once my friends, so maybe they might care about what I had to say. I wrote them each a note explaining myself, even though I knew in reality I owed them nothing, and mailed it to them. I did it for me. I have never felt more of an emotional release than I did dropping those letters in the mailbox. That was my closure.

For me, it was finally over. Well, sort of. The last piece was securing my sanity, which required me to take the final step and unfollow the girls on social media because mentally, it was hard for me to watch them still be there for each other when they didn’t want to do so for me anymore. I know it may seem shallow or petty, but I’m doing it for my own sanity so I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong in doing so. I’m not doing it to be hateful, I’m doing it to protect myself. 

For whatever reason this was maybe the hardest part for me. I couldn’t even bring myself the push the unfollow button. I’m sure they thought it was me being petty or rude, but some of things they had posted on social media during this whole ordeal were things that hurt me. I didn’t do it to be mean or to say I didn’t care about them anymore because that just wouldn’t be true. I just needed to detach myself.

I didn’t block them, because to me, that wouldn’t accomplish anything. I just needed to not see their content anymore because it only gave me negative energy. I decided to do what was best for me and to not apologize for it. So after several persuasive texts from my bestie and a talk with my mom, we decided it was what was best. I handed her my phone, she pushed the buttons and it was done.

So now it is over. I’m officially done with high school drama. 

Things are going to get better, unless rock bottom really does have a basement like some say it does, but I believe it has to get better.

Needless to say, I haven’t felt that inspired this summer, which is why blog content has been hard to come by. I have a million ideas I want to see through, and now that I’m starting to get my groove back, I promise it’ll be coming soon. I just needed time to heal emotionally, and put what I went through into words. I finally feel like I have achieved that, so I can get back to being me.

I’m anxious, but also excited about starting college in the fall. I’m not the same scared little girl I was when I started high school. All I know is that I need a new start; a fresh clean page. I wanted to rip out the last few pages of this chapter of my life, but I couldn’t until the final paragraphs were complete. I consider this post, this explanation of my emotions, my journey through the final months of my senior year, the final paragraphs.

The story of my high school career is now done, and I’m never looking back.

Summer has offered me time to grow. Reconnecting with my childhood bestie who always has my back when life goes to shit has been one of the greatest things I’ve done this summer. I am beyond grateful for her and my wonderful family. If you haven’t found a best friend yet, I promise you will someday and they will always have your back and love you like family. Turns out I’ve known mine since literally her birth, but I promise you can find them at any point in your life. I’m surrounding myself with my new friends and positive people and honestly, it’s just what the doctor ordered. Finally the world doesn’t seem as lonely as it did for me a couple months ago.

I’m so ready to leave the past behind me, but mostly I’m hopeful for the future. I’m ready to be creative again, I’m ready to continue becoming a better person, I’m ready to meet new people and try new things, and make new memories that I’ll have forever.

Things have to get better and I can already tell that they will because for the first time in a long time, I finally feel free.