Dear 2019

Dear 2019,

You were simultaneously the worst and best year of my life. I don’t know how you did it.

The highs were high, but the lows were real low.

I started off my year feeling hopeless and alone after my harasser at work crossed a line leaving me violated, scared, and wanting to quit my job that I loved so much.

Most of all I was angry at the realization that this something a lot of men just do and get away with. I somehow found the strength to not let my harasser get away with it for the safety of my younger coworkers, but the experience has haunted me ever since.

Most days the memories just sit there in my brain like background noise, other days it’s like the volume has been cranked up to 10 and I can’t turn it down.

I know I did the right thing, but I think that’s one of the scariest things about being a woman, this can always happen again and more than likely it will. It opened my eyes to all the sexism in our world that needs to be addressed. So thanks for this both enlightening and horrifying experience, 2019. It sucked.

Things started looking up though. Around this time I learned about the opportunity to travel abroad with my school, and much to my surprise, my dad said yes.

And so, I was going on an adventure of a lifetime. My trip to Spain this summer will forever be one of my favorite memories and I am beyond excited to go back, hopefully in the near future.

However, right before this trip during the end of my senior year, 2019, you challenged me more so than anything else ever has in my life. You broke me completely and I really do mean that. The two people I trusted more than anyone else in the world at the time walked out of my life and left me completely alone when I needed them most. Worse yet, they hated me and I will never in my lifetime know why. I try really hard to tell myself that’s okay.

My closest friend at the time walked out of my life when my mental state was falling apart, and I was left to fend for myself in a sea of emotions I didn’t understand. That is something, 2019, I can never forgive you for. I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemies, which believe it or not, I don’t consider these girls to be.

Quite frankly I can’t help but wish them the best. I hope in this next decade they find themselves and that they finally grow up. Tearing others down is a trend that needs to die this decade and I’m serious. Talking shit breaks lives, don’t ever forget it.

My trip to Spain was something that helped me in more ways than I think anyone will ever understand. It allowed me to escape from it all for a little while and it pushed me out of my comfort zone. Exploring the country with my favorite Spanish teachers and new friends was an experience I wouldn’t ever trade for the world.

Even better yet, when I came home, I found the people in my life who actually give a damn about me and have never given up on me. To my amazing parents, my beautiful sister, my incredible best friend, my friends who never left my side, and my fantastic new friends I met at college, thank you all for saving my life.

You reminded me that I am loved when I had never felt more unloved in my entire life. You reminded me that it’s okay to not be okay, but when you’re not okay, you have to lean on the people who care about you most, and you have to do it knowing that you’re not a burden to them because they know you would do the same for them in an instant.

I’m the kind of person who has it in her head that the universe is out to get her, and so she doesn’t deserve any good things that cross her path. That’s a mindset I’m going to try my hardest to leave behind in 2019.

If I’m completely honest, the only things I have left to say to 2019 is: Fuck you and thank you, next.

I’m a stronger person because of all the things you put me through, 2019, but I hope I never have to endure anything like it ever again. There are so many things I want to forget from 2019, but there are also memories I hope to never forget. You were the perfect combination of horrible and amazing, and I just hope I never have another year like, no offense, but seriously. 2019, you were kinda the worst.

So 2019, you broke me then put me all back together again and I truly don’t know how you did it, but thank you for making it happen. You introduced me to some of the most amazing people this year and I can’t wait to see how these relationships grow in the future. These relationships got me through this year, and I will forever be grateful for that, even though you really did screw me over most of the rest of the year, but I promise I’ll try not to hold too much of a grudge.

See ya never, 2019. Let’s get this thing started already, 2020.

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