Heartbreak Thoughts

I got my heart broke kind of. We were never technically in a relationship so many would argue this probably doesn’t even count, but I still consider this to be my first heartbreak because of how it hurt. I can’t say I was in love, but I know I was falling.

He was an amazing guy and I ended it. Secretly I had been waiting on it to fall apart from day one. I’m kind of cynical when it comes to these things, you know, relationships. I will always hope for the best but deep down I try not to get my hopes too high, but sometimes I can’t help it.

We saw each other consistently for 4 months but never got to a place in time where we put a label on it. In my mind, we were essentially treating it as a relationship but he kept holding back from calling it that. I think I always knew that translated to him having doubts about me, but in the moment I really wanted to hope for the best and told myself he just wanted to take it slow.

The more I thought about it, the more I psyched myself out about it. People in my life, people I love, people I trust told me it looked like I was going to get hurt and I knew they were right. I had already been hurt. I wanted so badly to know what it was like to be in love I didn’t notice how hesitant he was to make the jump.

I’m a talker. I want to talk things out with you, and when you want to talk, I’m a drop everything kind of person. I’ll be there in an instant. If you need me, if you want to try to make this work, I am so there. I forget so easily that not everyone is a drop everything person like me and I set myself up to get hurt a lot by hoping everyone is the same way. I prioritize people I care about more than most people probably do, but I really can’t help it. I want to be there for you no matter what and in my heart I’m hoping you want to be there for me just as much. That’s an excellent way to get your heart broken without ever being in love.

The trouble with leading someone on is that the longer you wait to tell them you know you’ll never love them, the more time they have for their feelings for you to grow. They haven’t walked away because they could see themselves loving you and they already know they’re starting to fall for you, and they assume you haven’t walked away because you’re feeling the same. Sometimes falling in love takes time and this is normal.

But if you don’t feel the same, you have to stop holding onto something you know isn’t right. Yes, you may care about them, but if you’re only interested in the idea of being with them, you’re going to hurt them even more because they’re interested in actually being with you. It doesn’t matter if you think you could love them, they know they could love you.

Don’t get their hopes up if you’re just going to let them down. Rip the bandaid off and allow them to heal before the wound gets any deeper. They trusted you with their heart don’t make them regret it.

If I give you a little piece of my heart you can’t underestimate its value. While I know he didn’t mean to lead me on, it still hurt like hell. I know he cared about me and he’d never want to hurt me, but he wasn’t sure he could see himself loving me and he didn’t want to admit it. So he didn’t admit it. I figured it out and I decided to walk away.

Relationships require work from both people involved. I wasn’t seeing the same effort I was putting in and he wasn’t able to prove to me he could give me that at the time. He’ll never know how much I wanted him to prove me wrong.

It’s funny how all the stereotypical things about heartbreak are true. That’s how I know I can consider this some variation of a heartbreak. Sometimes it still keeps me up at night. When I drive past his job I have to remind myself not to look for his car. I have to remind myself not to check his Instagram. I don’t want to know if he’s met someone else. I still want to know what songs he’s listening to, if he’s taking care of himself, and even how his mom is doing, but I’ll never know because I know I can’t ask.

I gave up when he didn’t want to because I was hurt. I felt used even though that was never his intention. I ended it before he wanted to and while I know it was the right thing to do in the moment, I’ll have to live with knowing someone didn’t want to give up on me and I walked away. I never even gave him the chance to chase me.

I’ve seen him once since it ended and when I tell you it ripped my heart out, I mean it. It’s crazy how much you can miss someone you were so used to having around. Just one look and all those feelings rush right back. I didn’t even expect him to talk to me because I thought he would hate me. I think it was easier to tell myself he would hate me. He told me he’s been doing good and I’m really happy for him, more than I was able to say so to his face. He said that he missed talking to me and I didn’t think he would. He told me he’s been working on himself. I think that’s a very heartbreak thing to say.

He really is a good guy, but we both messed up in more ways than one. It would be so much easier to hate him but I can’t because he doesn’t deserve it. That’s something I don’t think I’ll stop thinking about for a while. I just can’t help but wonder “what if.” I think that’s just another heartbreak thing.

He needed some time to grow on his own and so did I. So while I do miss him, I can’t say I regret it. I know who I am and how I deserve to be treated and I’m happy I didn’t stray from that. I don’t think I appreciated the way I stood up for myself in the moment as much as I should have. I regret how it happened, not that it happened. I honestly never thought it would’ve ended so soon. We both deserve to be happy and I really wanted him to be a part of that for me, but I guess good things really do fall apart.

That’s how I know it was a heartbreak.

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