So About My Senior Year . . .

Hi. I’ve been gone for a few months and I feel like I owe you all an explanation before I get back to business as usual.

My senior year was great until it wasn’t. I had fun, a made a lot of memories, and then I hit rock bottom.

It all began when one of my two best friends, the girls I’d spent almost every moment with the last two years, seemingly decided she didn’t like me anymore. Even now I really don’t understand why she suddenly had a problem with me, and why she felt the need to take it to such extremes. I found myself in the middle of a battle I was never really fighting. I only wanted things to be like they were before, the three of us together and happy. But I soon realized that wouldn’t be possible because my presence was no longer wanted. By the beginning of summer they still had each other, but I was left completely alone to fight a new kind of battle.

My mental health declined as my social life seemingly fell to pieces. I’d never felt more lost and alone. Part of me wished I wasn’t here anymore. I had no strength left, and no positive way to spin this situation. I had been completely blindsided by my closest friends and I had no idea what to do with myself. All I wanted to do was sleep, and for everything to stop hurting.

My mother raised me to believe that all things happen for a reason, so I knew I was meant to get through this. The things that saved me were my family, my childhood bestie, and a newfound spontaneity to say yes to new adventures because I was determined to overcome this and come out a better person on the other side.

I went to Spain with my school and made some new friends and lots of memories. I also went to my college orientation anxious, a little depressed, but determined to make new friends, which thankfully I did and for the first time in months I can say with confidence I’m excited for college. I’m not scared about seeing the girls who hurt me on campus anymore now that I have found people who care about me and support me. I know that  even when my bestie goes away for college, that if that sadness I felt before ever resurfaces, my new friends will have my back and I’m so immensely greatly for that.

Honestly, I’m not sure what was said about me, but all I know is that it turned the girl who I thought was my best friend away from me. Even after it was all over, when I showed up at grad parties alone and was asked why they weren’t with me, I never once had a bad thing to say about them. I just said we are no longer close but they are still good people. I knew deep in my heart at that moment I didn’t believe the words that were rolling off my tongue, but talking shit would have made me no better than them. I really do wish them the best and I hope they get everything they want out of life.

It is so incredibly hard to be the bigger person, but I promise you will never regret it.

The only person I blamed for all this was myself and it wasn’t even my fault. I knew it only would have made me feel worse to tell people about the emotional minefield they dragged me through. There is still a part of me that so badly wants to hate them for everything they put me through, but it’s against my nature. I know someday I will find it in my heart to forgive them for making me feel as terrible as I did leaving high school as I did entering it.

I know they may think they have done right by me, and I guess more power to them, but I don’t think there was anything right they could have done other than leave me alone and let me move on, but instead they decided to drop off grad cards in my mailbox while I was in Spain. My mother told me when I returned from my trip. She waited a few days because she was nervous about how I’d react since I was so elated and excited about my newfound friendships and all the memories from the trip. Once she told me, a huge knot formed in my stomach and all those horrible feelings I felt when school ended rushed right back.

If I’m honest, I’d hardly thought about them while I was gone, so those cards sent me over the edge. My first reaction was anger. I just wanted them to leave me alone. I wanted to move on. I even took it out on my mom, the one person who has been my rock and here for me through absolutely everything. She sat with me in my car while I cried before my senior prom, she wiped away my tears when I told her how everything they’d done had made me feel, and was there to remind me I was loved when I felt completely alone. I was angry because I wished she had just thrown them away, but I know now if she had, I never would’ve gotten to write back and say what I needed to say in order to actually move on. 

One of the cards was extremely specific, and told me that my best friend still didn’t understand the complexity of the situation and the other was nothing more than a grad card, which honestly upset me more than if I would’ve never heard from her again. 

After reading them I decided I needed to end this once and for all. They were once my friends, so maybe they might care about what I had to say. I wrote them each a note explaining myself, even though I knew in reality I owed them nothing, and mailed it to them. I did it for me. I have never felt more of an emotional release than I did dropping those letters in the mailbox. That was my closure.

For me, it was finally over. Well, sort of. The last piece was securing my sanity, which required me to take the final step and unfollow the girls on social media because mentally, it was hard for me to watch them still be there for each other when they didn’t want to do so for me anymore. I know it may seem shallow or petty, but I’m doing it for my own sanity so I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong in doing so. I’m not doing it to be hateful, I’m doing it to protect myself. 

For whatever reason this was maybe the hardest part for me. I couldn’t even bring myself the push the unfollow button. I’m sure they thought it was me being petty or rude, but some of things they had posted on social media during this whole ordeal were things that hurt me. I didn’t do it to be mean or to say I didn’t care about them anymore because that just wouldn’t be true. I just needed to detach myself.

I didn’t block them, because to me, that wouldn’t accomplish anything. I just needed to not see their content anymore because it only gave me negative energy. I decided to do what was best for me and to not apologize for it. So after several persuasive texts from my bestie and a talk with my mom, we decided it was what was best. I handed her my phone, she pushed the buttons and it was done.

So now it is over. I’m officially done with high school drama. 

Things are going to get better, unless rock bottom really does have a basement like some say it does, but I believe it has to get better.

Needless to say, I haven’t felt that inspired this summer, which is why blog content has been hard to come by. I have a million ideas I want to see through, and now that I’m starting to get my groove back, I promise it’ll be coming soon. I just needed time to heal emotionally, and put what I went through into words. I finally feel like I have achieved that, so I can get back to being me.

I’m anxious, but also excited about starting college in the fall. I’m not the same scared little girl I was when I started high school. All I know is that I need a new start; a fresh clean page. I wanted to rip out the last few pages of this chapter of my life, but I couldn’t until the final paragraphs were complete. I consider this post, this explanation of my emotions, my journey through the final months of my senior year, the final paragraphs.

The story of my high school career is now done, and I’m never looking back.

Summer has offered me time to grow. Reconnecting with my childhood bestie who always has my back when life goes to shit has been one of the greatest things I’ve done this summer. I am beyond grateful for her and my wonderful family. If you haven’t found a best friend yet, I promise you will someday and they will always have your back and love you like family. Turns out I’ve known mine since literally her birth, but I promise you can find them at any point in your life. I’m surrounding myself with my new friends and positive people and honestly, it’s just what the doctor ordered. Finally the world doesn’t seem as lonely as it did for me a couple months ago.

I’m so ready to leave the past behind me, but mostly I’m hopeful for the future. I’m ready to be creative again, I’m ready to continue becoming a better person, I’m ready to meet new people and try new things, and make new memories that I’ll have forever.

Things have to get better and I can already tell that they will because for the first time in a long time, I finally feel free.

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