Heartbreak Thoughts

Heartbreak Thoughts

I got my heart broke kind of. We were never technically in a relationship so many would argue this probably doesn’t even count, but I still consider this to be my first heartbreak because of how it hurt. I can’t say I was in love, but I know I was falling.

He was an amazing guy and I ended it. Secretly I had been waiting on it to fall apart from day one. I’m kind of cynical when it comes to these things, you know, relationships. I will always hope for the best but deep down I try not to get my hopes too high, but sometimes I can’t help it.

We saw each other consistently for 4 months but never got to a place in time where we put a label on it. In my mind, we were essentially treating it as a relationship but he kept holding back from calling it that. I think I always knew that translated to him having doubts about me, but in the moment I really wanted to hope for the best and told myself he just wanted to take it slow.

The more I thought about it, the more I psyched myself out about it. People in my life, people I love, people I trust told me it looked like I was going to get hurt and I knew they were right. I had already been hurt. I wanted so badly to know what it was like to be in love I didn’t notice how hesitant he was to make the jump.

I’m a talker. I want to talk things out with you, and when you want to talk, I’m a drop everything kind of person. I’ll be there in an instant. If you need me, if you want to try to make this work, I am so there. I forget so easily that not everyone is a drop everything person like me and I set myself up to get hurt a lot by hoping everyone is the same way. I prioritize people I care about more than most people probably do, but I really can’t help it. I want to be there for you no matter what and in my heart I’m hoping you want to be there for me just as much. That’s an excellent way to get your heart broken without ever being in love.


The trouble with leading someone on is that the longer you wait to tell them you know you’ll never love them, the more time they have for their feelings for you to grow. They haven’t walked away because they could see themselves loving you and they already know they’re starting to fall for you, and they assume you haven’t walked away because you’re feeling the same. Sometimes falling in love takes time and this is normal.

But if you don’t feel the same, you have to stop holding onto something you know isn’t right. Yes, you may care about them, but if you’re only interested in the idea of being with them, you’re going to hurt them even more because they’re interested in actually being with you. It doesn’t matter if you think you could love them, they know they could love you.

Don’t get their hopes up if you’re just going to let them down. Rip the bandaid off and allow them to heal before the wound gets any deeper. They trusted you with their heart don’t make them regret it.


If I give you a little piece of my heart you can’t underestimate its value. While I know he didn’t mean to lead me on, it still hurt like hell. I know he cared about me and he’d never want to hurt me, but he wasn’t sure he could see himself loving me and he didn’t want to admit it. So he didn’t admit it. I figured it out and I decided to walk away.

Relationships require work from both people involved. I wasn’t seeing the same effort I was putting in and he wasn’t able to prove to me he could give me that at the time. He’ll never know how much I wanted him to prove me wrong.

It’s funny how all the stereotypical things about heartbreak are true. That’s how I know I can consider this some variation of a heartbreak. Sometimes it still keeps me up at night. When I drive past his job I have to remind myself not to look for his car. I have to remind myself not to check his Instagram. I don’t want to know if he’s met someone else. I still want to know what songs he’s listening to, if he’s taking care of himself, and even how his mom is doing, but I’ll never know because I know I can’t ask.

I gave up when he didn’t want to because I was hurt. I felt used even though that was never his intention. I ended it before he wanted to and while I know it was the right thing to do in the moment, I’ll have to live with knowing someone didn’t want to give up on me and I walked away. I never even gave him the chance to chase me.

I’ve seen him once since it ended and when I tell you it ripped my heart out, I mean it. It’s crazy how much you can miss someone you were so used to having around. Just one look and all those feelings rush right back. I didn’t even expect him to talk to me because I thought he would hate me. I think it was easier to tell myself he would hate me. He told me he’s been doing good and I’m really happy for him, more than I was able to say so to his face. He said that he missed talking to me and I didn’t think he would. He told me he’s been working on himself. I think that’s a very heartbreak thing to say.

He really is a good guy, but we both messed up in more ways than one. It would be so much easier to hate him but I can’t because he doesn’t deserve it. That’s something I don’t think I’ll stop thinking about for a while. I just can’t help but wonder “what if.” I think that’s just another heartbreak thing.

He needed some time to grow on his own and so did I. So while I do miss him, I can’t say I regret it. I know who I am and how I deserve to be treated and I’m happy I didn’t stray from that. I don’t think I appreciated the way I stood up for myself in the moment as much as I should have. I regret how it happened, not that it happened. I honestly never thought it would’ve ended so soon. We both deserve to be happy and I really wanted him to be a part of that for me, but I guess good things really do fall apart.

That’s how I know it was a heartbreak.

February Playlist 2019

February Playlist 2019

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

I hope today you let those you love know how much they mean to you and that you spend today surrounded by people who mean the world to you.

In honor of the day of love, I have put together 14 of my favorite songs for this month that may or may not have some romantic themes to satisfy your needs on this Valentine’s Day. You will find them all listed below, in my shareable list form, and also on Spotify. You can find the playlist here.

Songs

  1. SPACE COWBOY // KACEY MUSGRAVES
  2. BETTER // KHALID
  3. ALL I THINK ABOUT IS YOU // ANSEL ELGORT
  4. HEY DJ – REMIX // CNCO FEAT. MEGHAN TRAINOR AND SEAN PAUL
  5. RIGHT LOVE, WRONG TIME // ERIN BLOOMER
  6. WHERE WE GO // P!NK
  7. TRUST MY LONELY // ALESSIA CARA
  8. EMPTY SPACE // JAMES ARTHUR 
  9. SAY LOVE // JAMES TW
  10. BAD LIAR // IMAGINE DRAGONS
  11. WHAT A TIME // JULIA MICHAELS FEAT. NIALL HORAN
  12. THIS LOVE // MAROON 5
  13. TRUE COLORS // XO CUPID FEAT. MAYA AVEDIS
  14. I’LL BE THERE // JESS GLYNNE

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Life Lately #4

Life Lately #4

Hey guys!

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve sat down and had some real talk with you, so today, that’s what’s going to happen.

My life has been crazy recently. I just got hit with a big reality check.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while now or you know me personally, you know that I’m seventeen years old and I don’t have my driver’s license yet.

Yeah I know, it’s pretty pathetic.

I don’t know why, but I don’t enjoy driving. I’m excited to drive myself around, but I really don’t like to drive. I know, I’m definitely not your average teenager. But I know I need my license so I will get it soon enough.

It’s especially pathetic because I do have a job that I have to get to, but I am very fortunate to have such wonderful parents who have flexible enough schedules that they can help me get where I need to go.

However, the time of them carting my ass all over town is about over.

I have known for several months now that I have to have my license before I go into my senior year because I got an internship, which means I have to get myself from school to my internship every single day next school year.

Which is all fine and dandy, but another part of that equation is that I have to have a car.

I have just recently acknowledged that I have a spending problem. I have a tendency to spend more than I should and I don’t even know what it is that I buy. It could easily be a million times worse, but with all the things I should be saving for, my spending habits are getting me nowhere. Besides, it will only make things worse when I have to start making a car payment.

So I’m working on a list of goals for myself when it comes to managing my money, which I know with my newfound motivation I will be able to succeed, but just to be safe, I applied for a second job.

This may seem excessive for a seventeen-year-old, but it’s what I need to do.

I love my parents so much and they work so very hard, but this is one of those things that they can’t help me with and I understand that.

They wish they could just buy me a new car and hand over the keys no strings attached, but that’s just not possible for us. So I understand and I am willing to work even harder to make this work.

They really have spoiled me all my life so I genuinely appreciate having to do something on my own and work twice as hard because it’s a life lesson. It’s an important thing to experience.

However, me getting a second job, makes me even more of an inconvenience to my parents when it comes to having to get me to two jobs now instead of one, which means getting a car is now more important than ever.

Even though I am going to improve my spending habits and make several lifestyle changes, my bank account needs a lot of improvement. Even if I had been saving every penny I earned, I wouldn’t be where I need to be. So needless to say, money is tight right now.

I am doing a couple of extra things to help save up a little money on the side. I will be cleaning out my closet and posting the items on Poshmark over the next couple weeks to sell and I’d love if you would follow along so you can take a look when they go live. Or if you’re feeling a little generous, you can take a look at my Buy Me a Coffee page. Either way, your support means the world to me.

If my life couldn’t get any crazier, I already had a lot going on this summer before all this set in. I’m currently taking two online courses, which if you were here last summer, you know I swore I would never do this again, but alas here I am knocking out a couple required classes so I can have more time to do what I love senior year.

Anyways, these classes are not nearly as hard as the ones I’ve done in the past and require minimal effort, but quite a bit of time, time that I have been hesitant to give up.

Why? Because I would rather be blogging, writing, and creating content for you. I want to continue to grow this blog and my Instagram, but it has been insanely hard to juggle both.

I wish I didn’t have to, but I need to spend less time on this blog. I didn’t want to do so without telling you. That is the main reason why I’m here writing this post and filling you in on all the things that are happening and changing right now.

I need to put all my time and energy into finishing these classes in the next few weeks, and I haven’t been able to allow myself to do that when I have been worrying about my blog.

I have a couple other posts all ready to go up and a couple all planned out that I am still hoping to upload soon, but I wanted you to know that for right now, this blog is on the back burner until my classes are over. I hope you can understand.

My goal is that if I work really hard, I might be able to finish them early and return to doing solely what I love even sooner, but if I still find a way to procrastinate, then I will be back here on a regular basis for the rest of the summer after the second week of July.

This absolutely isn’t goodbye, it’s just letting you know that posts will continue to go up randomly and not as frequently, as they have so far this summer. I’m hoping to upload content on a more regular basis once my classes are over, so please stick with me.

I appreciate all your support. Every comment, every like, every share, every bit of interaction I receive makes a difference, inspires me to do more, and become a better person. Thank you for always supporting me on this crazy adventure.

As always . . .

Thanks for stopping by,

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